Sometimes, we are the undoing of our own life, destiny, happiness and marital fulfilment because of the things we believe and the things/people we listen to.
I once told a friend that no one knows better about marriage than a person who had been singled, married and divorced. And he looked at me and laughed. But the truth is, that is just the fact.
So many people that we see as happily married couples are artificially happily married deep within they are unhappy and if they have their way they will quit the marriage immediately without giving it a second thought.
Marriage is filled with so many lies, pains, secrets, anger, frustrations and resentments covered with a layer of pretence and tolerance called love. Marriage for some people is more of a prison yard than it is of a lifetime fulfilment or achievement.
I’m an advocate for self-peace, self-respect and self-happiness. Any relationship or marriage that denies you these three automatically denies you the right to live your life and the right to be what you want to become in life. Such a relationship or marriage will destroy you and if you love yourself take a walk without looking back.
The majority of us lie to ourselves and in some situations, we hold on to unrealistic beliefs that one day this fella will change. My dear friends, some people, situations and things don’t change. No matter how hard you try. You either continue to the person, the situation or the thing; or you take a walk and leave without looking back.
SELF-PEACE
Seeking for peace in a relationship/marriage is not avoiding confrontation, conversation or being held accountable. No. Seeking peace in a relationship/marriage simply means trusting each other, having an understanding of whom your partner is and relating with him based on the kind of person you have understood him/her to be. When there are issues to talk about you sit the person down and you talked about it. That is what it means to want peace in a relationship/marriage.
SELF-RESPECT
I once told a friend that no one will respect you not even your partner if you don’t first respect yourself. I’m a master at walking away from anyone I respect so much who disrespects me. I cut you off without thinking twice. Yes, I might still keep you closer for friendship’s sake and that’s all you get.
A friend sent me a message some time back and said; “You know what I love about you?
Your maturity, and discipline. You are so put together, even when you don’t have a dime and going through stuff you don’t put it out there. You have an excellent spirit. You do stuff excellently. You don’t go with the crowd. You are so mature for your age, l am so immature for my age, that is an attraction. I noticed the trait in you that is why I run to you each time something bothers me. You have the stability and wisdom. When I come to you Sam, I feel at home. So each time you ignore me I get upset. I was and will always be a daddy’s girl, still searching for that figure”.
Reading this made me cry because I never knew that I was doing any of those things she mentioned, but I do remember that I haven’t changed my person, I’m still the same Sam and some people have seen the same about me and called me proud, arrogant and controlling. But the point is this, people will always see you, size you, judge you and box you based on who they are and never about who you are.
In whatever level of relationship you find yourself, be it platonic or romantic, never allow anyone to size you, judge you or box you. It’s killing.
SELF-HAPPINESS
No one can make you happy if you don’t find happiness first within yourself. You are the architect of your happiness. God had created you and gave you a life. It is not in His power or responsibility to make you happy, it is in your power and it is your responsibility to make yourself happy or miserable.
Someone once invited me to a Live Podcast on Social Media and someone asked me a question about what I want in life I said, “At this stage of my life, all I want is peace and happiness that’s all”. And a Lady started ranting and making some unnecessary comments. I need no one to tell me that that person has yet to get to a state of self-awareness. A state where you know and understand that in this life, nothing else matters outside of your peace of mind and happiness because, with them, you are just a step closer to the grave.
You cannot live a meaningful and progressive life if you’re not happy. You’ll live an unhealthy competitive life without any sense of direction if you’re not happy. Someone else will dictate the path of your life, control you and manipulate you if you are not happy with yourself.
Finding happiness is not in having all you want and all you need. No! Finding happiness is in you being contented with who you are, and what you have and the wisdom to manage what you have to work your way up to where you believe you deserve to be. Happiness is not living a flamboyant life. Nope. Happiness is taking a well-calculated risk to accomplish a desired goal.
In whatever relationship you find yourself in, always look out for yourself.
Someone posted this question on our WhatsApp Group, Home❤️Harmony Family, “My husband and I have Three Kids but he still loves sex too much. At least every weekend he must demand sex, it’s too much for me. I’m an introvert so I don’t have many friends to ask this. Will it be bad if I tell him to get a Second wife or a mistress for sex? I can’t keep up, please.”
Here is my response to this.
If your husband has a high sex drive, talk to him, about how it is causing inconvenience to you, with a soft approach, rather than bluntly rejecting his advances. The reason is, that if you try to bluntly reject his advances, chances are that he starts disliking you.
Having sex once a week is the minimum norm for sexual frequency for active couples, so it’s not too alarming. If his levels are low, there are ways to raise them, both medically and naturally.
The secret is to negotiate how many times per week works for both of you. Just like many other areas in marriage, sex and its frequency also require compromise. However, studies show that a weekly frequency is good enough to keep your marriage happy.
To bring back the passion in your marriage do the following.
- Change your pattern of initiating sex
Maybe you are denying your partner or coming on too strong. Avoid criticizing each other and stop the “blame game.” Mix things up to end the power struggle. For example, distancers may want to practice initiating sex more often and pursuers try to find ways to tell their partner “you’re sexy,” in subtle ways while avoiding critique and demands for closeness.
- Hold hands more often
Holding hands, hugging, and touching can release oxytocin causing a calming sensation. Studies show it’s also released during sexual orgasm. Additionally, physical affection reduces stress hormones – lowering daily levels of the stress hormone cortisol.
- Allow tension to build
Our brains experience more pleasure when the anticipation of the reward goes on for some time before we receive it. So take your time during foreplay, share fantasies, change locations, and make sex more romantic.
- Separate sexual intimacy from routine
Plan intimacy time and avoid talking about relationship problems and household chores in the bedroom. Sexual arousal plummets when we’re distracted and stressed.
- Carve out time to spend with your partner
Try a variety of activities that bring you both pleasure. Have fun courting and practice flirting as a way to ignite sexual desire and intimacy. Everything positive you do in your relationship is foreplay.
- Focus on affectionate touch
Offer to give your partner a back or shoulder rub. People associate foreplay with sexual intercourse, but affectionate touch is a powerful way to demonstrate and rekindle passion even if you are not a touchy-feely person.
- Practice being more emotionally vulnerable during sex
Share your innermost wishes, fantasies, and desires with your partner. If you fear emotional intimacy, consider engaging in individual or couple therapy.
- Maintain a sense of curiosity about sexual intimacy
Experiment with new ways to bring pleasure to each other. Look at sex as an opportunity to get to know your partner better over time.
- Vary the kind of sex you have
Have gentle, loving-tender, intimate, and highly erotic sex. Break up the routine and try new things as sexual needs change.
- Make sex a priority
Set the mood for intimacy before TV or work dulls your passion. A light meal along with your favorite music and wine can set the stage for great sex.
Even if you are not a touchy-feely person, increasing physical affection and emotional attunement can help you sustain a deep, meaningful bond.
The good news is that allowing your partner to influence you can reignite the spark you once enjoyed. Remember, friendship is the glue that can hold a marriage together.
Cheating in relationships can stem from various reasons, including unmet emotional or sexual needs, lack of connection, impulsiveness, insecurity, or seeking revenge. Some individuals may cheat due to the opportunity, desire for variety, or commitment issues.
- ANGER/REVENGE
Sometimes people cheat on their partners as an act of revenge. For example, if one partner has been flirting with a friend or even cheating, the other partner may cheat as well as a form of payback.
Other reasons for anger-driven infidelity include:
Frustration when a partner doesn’t understand the other person or their needs
Anger at a partner who is never around
Anger at a partner who doesn’t seem to contribute to the relationship
Anger or frustration after an argument
Anger at a partner who lies
Anger at a partner who disrespects him/her
Anger at a partner who is never there
Anger at a partner who is only interested in himself/herself
- FALLING OUT OF LOVE
The dopamine rush of falling in love may not last long. Excitement, passion, and exhilaration in the initial phase of a relationship usually fade over time. Long-lasting relationships do exist, but those butterflies you felt on the first date only get you so far. Once they go away, you may realize that there wasn’t much love there.
- FEELING UNAPPRECIATED
If one person feels that they aren’t receiving enough love, respect, and attention from their partner, this can cause them to look for those things elsewhere. Sometimes, even if a partner hasn’t neglected the other, they can still feel neglected, especially if there are unrealistic expectations. Or it could just be that one person has emotional or sexual needs that they feel are just not being met.
- LACK OF COMMUNICATION
People with commitment issues are more likely to cheat in a relationship, whether it’s because they want to avoid commitment or because they have a different idea of what commitment means. Reasons for commitment-related infidelity may include:
Differences in opinion about relationships (casual, exclusive, etc.)
Fear of committing even if they love their partner
Lack of interest in a long-term commitment
Wanting a way out of the relationship
- SEXUAL DESIRE
For some people, cheating is simply the result of sexual desire, even if they are already in a fulfilling relationship. Some other reasons for sexual desire-driven infidelity include:
Feeling unsatisfied with the sex
Desire to try something new
However, someone who just wants to have sex may just look for opportunities to do so without any other reason.
- SITUATIONAL FACTORS
Infidelity sometimes happens because a partner is in a situation where the opportunity presents itself. For example, if a person gets drunk with a coworker, there may be a high chance of cheating. Some other factors include:
Being in a long-distance relationship
Being on vacation
Feelings of low self-esteem
Wanting physical comfort after a distressing event
Living or working in an environment that involves a lot of physical touching and emotional connection
- SELF ESTEEM
Wanting a boost to self-esteem can also cause someone to cheat. Getting sexual attention from someone new can make someone with low self-esteem feel attractive, confident, or empowered.
Some common reasons why married people cheat include feelings of emotional dissatisfaction, sexual dissatisfaction, boredom, curiosity, and a desire for novelty or excitement. While it may seem like leaving a relationship is a simple solution to unhappiness, it’s not always that straightforward.
For me, rather than cheating on your partner, leave the relationship/marriage. End it before it ends you. It makes no sense to cheat on someone who is not cheating on you.
Sam Adeoye