There are so many things many of us wish we had known before we got married that we don’t know that eventually affect our marriage and even when we tried all we could to correct it, nothing works.
📌. Marriage Requires Preparation.
Many people invest more time in preparing for their careers than in marriage. There is a need a serious need for intentional preparation to build a strong foundation for a lasting relationship and marriage before we venture into it.
A wise statement!
Here are some preparations one must have before Marriage:
EMOTIONAL PREPARATION
Whether we want to accept it or not; some people are not emotionally stable or capable of handling some situations in their relationship or marriage and these things have always been there in their lives without them not knowing or paying attention to their effects on their lives.
As an individual, before venturing into a relationship or marriage please have…
1. Self-awareness
Understanding your own emotions, values, and expectations.
2. Emotional intelligence
Developing healthy emotional regulation and communication skills.
3. Conflict resolution
Learning how to manage conflicts and disagreements.
FINANCIAL PREPARATION
1. Financial stability
Establishing a stable financial foundation, including saving, budgeting, and debt management.
Now, never and I mean never give priority to anyone who doesn’t do the same.
It will be a waste of time and effort if you have a financial foundation and the person you are considering getting married to doesn’t.
That will be a catastrophe. Run!
2. Financial communication
Developing open and honest communication about financial goals, values, and expectations.
3. Long-term planning
Creating a shared vision for long-term financial goals, such as buying a home, starting a family, or retirement.
RELATIONAL PREPARATION
1. Communication skills
Developing effective communication skills, including active listening and assertiveness.
2. Boundary setting
Establishing healthy boundaries and expectations for the relationship.
3. Intimacy and connection
Cultivating emotional and physical intimacy, and prioritizing quality time together.
PERSONAL PREPARATION
1. Personal growth
Continuing to grow and develop as individuals, including pursuing hobbies, interests, and personal goals.
Anyone who is in the habit of discouraging you from pursuing your dreams and developing yourself and your career or business is never the right person for you. Discard the person before he or she terminates your destiny.
2. Independence
Maintaining a sense of independence and autonomy within the relationship.
Don’t depend on your partner to survive or make things happen for you.
Your partner might not always have it. Not just that, depending on your partner to make everything happen for you simply means you are either his or her maid or slave.
Only the maid and the slave wait on their masters to make things happen. They never have a mind of their own.
3. Accountability
Taking responsibility for one’s actions, and being accountable to each other.
So many people are in the habit of blaming their partner for their actions. You cannot always be right neither can you always be wrong.
When you are right, be humble with it and be gentle with your partner. When you are wrong, accept the fact that you are wrong, apologize and move on.
When someone claims to be right even when the person is wrong; then such a person is not fit to be with. You will never have peace living with such a person.
SPIRITUAL PREPARATION
This is basically for those with spiritual or religious beliefs.
Personally, I’d advise that you take religion out of your relationship and marriage because it is much easier for anyone to hide under religious rules to maltreat their partners.
Be realistic with your partner and handle every issue in real terms.
Look at the spiritual aspect of your relationship and marriage and pay closer attention to how the unseen forces play out in your relationship and marriage both positively and negatively.
An older woman once warned a Lady to be careful and make sure that there are no issues, misunderstandings or fights between her and her husband and to be prayerful.
She ignored the warning and a few months later; she made a terrible mistake, she walked up to a man and gave her phone number to a stranger to call her while the husband was standing right there.
As if that was not enough, the husband asked her why she did that. She went back to the Man and came back to her husband to tell him that she had told the man to delete her number but that was a lie. She was exposed the following day when the strange man called her.
From that moment everything she built with the hope of living together forever with the husband collapsed and they went their separate ways.
Never ignore the part of spirituality in your life, relationship or marriage. The life of every human being is 99% spiritual and 1% physical.
Until things happen for you in the spiritual realms nothing takes shape in your physical world. Be wise.
However, there are some things one must look into while considering this aspect of life.
1. Shared values
Aligning shared spiritual or religious values and principles.
2. Spiritual growth
Continuing to grow and develop spiritually, individually and together.
3. Faith and trust
Cultivating faith and trust in each other, and a higher power (if applicable).
By preparing in these areas, couples can build a strong foundation for a healthy, fulfilling, and lasting marriage.
📌. Understanding Each Other’s Backgrounds.
It is very important that you discuss and understand each other’s family backgrounds and values.
These discussions can reveal potential areas of conflict and help couples navigate differences more effectively.
Understanding each other’s backgrounds before marriage is essential for several reasons:
1. Cultural and family dynamics
Understanding each other’s cultural and family backgrounds can help you navigate differences in values, traditions, and expectations.
2. Personal values and beliefs
Knowing each other’s values and beliefs can help you understand each other’s motivations, goals, and priorities.
3. Emotional baggage
Understanding each other’s past experiences, including emotional baggage, can help you support each other’s healing and growth.
4. Communication styles
Recognizing each other’s communication styles can help you navigate conflicts and improve your overall communication.
5. Financial Habits
Understanding each other’s financial habits and backgrounds can help you manage your finances together and avoid potential conflicts.
6. Health and wellness
Knowing each other’s health and wellness backgrounds can help you support each other’s physical and mental health.
7. Education and career goals
Understanding each other’s educational and career backgrounds can help you support each other’s goals and aspirations.
To gain a deeper understanding of each other’s backgrounds, consider the following:
1. Open and honest communication
Talk openly and honestly about your backgrounds, values, and beliefs.
2. Ask questions
Ask each other questions about your backgrounds, and listen actively to each other’s responses.
3. Share personal stories
Share personal stories and experiences that have shaped your values, beliefs, and behaviours.
4. Meet each other’s families
Meet each other’s families and friends to gain a better understanding of each other’s backgrounds and support systems.
5. Seek counselling or therapy
Consider seeking counselling or therapy together to work through any issues or concerns related to your background.
By taking the time to understand each other’s backgrounds, you can build a stronger, more empathetic, and more supportive partnership.
📌. Communication is Key
Effective communication is crucial in a marriage. There is a huge need for couples to develop open and honest communication skills to express their feelings, needs, and concerns without fear of judgment.
Communication is a fundamental truth in any successful marriage!
Effective communication is the foundation upon which a healthy, fulfilling, and lasting marriage is built. Here are some reasons why communication is key in a marriage:
Resolves Conflicts
1. Addresses issues
Communication helps couples constructively address issues and conflicts.
2. Prevents misunderstandings
Open communication prevents misunderstandings and miscommunications that can lead to conflicts.
Fosters Intimacy and Connection
1. Emotional intimacy
Communication helps create emotional intimacy, allowing couples to feel seen, heard and understood.
2. Deepens connection
Effective communication deepens the connection between partners, fostering a sense of unity and togetherness.
Builds Trust
1. Transparency
Communication promotes transparency, helping couples build trust and reliance on each other.
2. Accountability
Open communication encourages accountability, ensuring that partners take responsibility for their actions.
Encourages Growth and Understanding
1. Personal growth
Communication facilitates personal growth, allowing partners to learn from each other and themselves.
2. Empathy and understanding
Effective communication fosters empathy and understanding, helping couples appreciate each other’s perspectives and feelings.
Essential Communication Skills
1. Active listening
Listen attentively to your partner, focusing on their words, tone, and body language.
2. Clear expression
Express yourself clearly and respectfully, avoiding blame, criticism, or aggression.
3. Non-defensiveness
Approach conversations with an open mind, avoiding defensiveness and being willing to compromise.
4. Emotional intelligence
Recognize and manage your emotions, as well as empathize with your partner’s feelings.
By prioritizing effective communication, couples can build a strong, resilient, and fulfilling marriage that withstands life’s challenges and celebrates its joys.
📌. Conflict Resolution Skills
Conflicts are inevitable in any relationship. Couples must learn healthy conflict resolution techniques to address disagreements constructively and maintain a positive relationship.
Conflict resolution skills are a crucial aspect of a healthy and fulfilling marriage!
Conflict resolution skills are essential in marriage, as they help couples navigate disagreements and challenges constructively and respectfully. Here are some key conflict-resolution skills for a healthy marriage:
ACTIVE LISTENING
1. Give your undivided attention
Focus on your partner, avoiding distractions like phones, TVs, children or relatives.
2. Use verbal and non-verbal cues
Nod, make eye contact, and use phrases like “I see” or “I understand.”
3. Paraphrase and summarize
Repeat what you’ve heard to ensure understanding.
EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION
1. Use “I” statements
Express feelings and thoughts using “I” statements, avoiding blame or accusation.
2. Be clear and concise
Communicate your needs, wants, and feelings clearly and respectfully.
3. Avoid assumptions
Don’t assume you know what your partner is thinking or feeling.
EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE
1. Recognize and manage emotions
Be aware of your emotions and take a break if needed to calm down.
2. Empathize with your partner
Try to understand and validate your partner’s feelings.
3. Stay calm and composed
Maintain a calm tone and demeanour, even in heated discussions.
CONFLICT RESOLUTION STRATEGIES
1. Identify the issue
Clearly define the problem or issue.
2. Seek common ground
Look for areas of agreement and try to find a mutually beneficial solution.
3. Compromise and negotiate
Be willing to listen to each other’s perspectives and find a compromise.
4. Take a break if necessary
If the conflict is becoming too heated, take a break and revisit the issue when emotions have cooled down.
FORGIVENESS AND APOLOGIES
1. Apologize sincerely
Offer genuine apologies when you’ve wronged your partner.
A good friend once told me that “Saying sorry all the time and repeating the same event simply means you are never sorry”.
It makes no sense when you apologize for doing something wrong and you reap the same event or even do worse than what you did before. That means you are never sorry.
Apologize only when you mean it.
2. Forgive and let go
Work towards forgiveness and letting go of grudges.
Some issues you can let go of and some you shouldn’t most importantly one that is likely to affect your mental well-being that is the advice some people will give you; but the truth is, they are killing you.
A good friend of mine was losing her mind and gradually becoming a shadow of herself because every night she kept checking her husband’s phone to see who was talking or chatting with her husband.
The husband saw her but pretended not to. So he decided to taught her the biggest lesson of her life. The husband started having terrible discussions with different strangers and the more she read those messages the more frustrated she got until one day she spoke with me and I told her to stop.
I told her how I broke up with a Lady I loved so much because she kept checking my phone when I didn’t check her phone.
She took to the advice and she started gaining herself back.
No matter what you see, hear or know about your partner, let it go before it degenerates into something you can no longer handle.
3. Make amends
Take concrete actions to make amends and prevent similar conflicts in the future.
By developing these conflict resolution skills, couples can navigate disagreements and challenges healthily and constructively, strengthening their marriage and building a stronger, more resilient relationship.
📌 Expectations and Roles
Everyone has expectations when it comes to the issue of marriage. A person without expectations is a person without a future.
Understanding and discussing expectations regarding roles and responsibilities within the marriage is vital.
Couples must learn to clarify what they expect from each other to avoid misunderstandings and resentment.
Individual expectations are a vital aspect of building a strong and fulfilling marriage!
Expectations and roles in marriage can vary greatly depending on individual backgrounds, cultures, and personal values. Here are some common expectations and roles that couples may encounter:
TRADITIONAL EXPECTATIONS AND ROLES
1. Husband as provider
The husband is often expected to be the primary breadwinner and provider. But these days things are changing. Anyone can be the provider so long there is mutual understanding, respect and true love without any deception.
2. Wife as caregiver
The wife is often expected to take on primary caregiving responsibilities for children and the home.
There is nothing wrong with a man doing the same. Marriage is all about understanding and doing b what is right and not who is right or wrong.
There is nothing wrong with the man taking care of the children and the home if the wife is being saddled with bigger responsibilities.
3. Division of household chores
Household chores are often divided along traditional lines, with women handling domestic duties and men handling outdoor tasks.
Gone are the days. Things are changing and we must change along if we don’t want to be left behind.
So many marriages are breaking up today because so many people refuse to accept the reality that things are changing and there is a need for them to change too.
MODERN EXPECTATIONS AND ROLES
1. Shared responsibilities
Couples increasingly expect to share responsibilities, including childcare, household chores, and financial decisions.
2. Equal partnership
Modern couples often strive for an equal partnership, where both partners have equal say and decision-making power.
There is nothing wrong with that. Most especially when it has to do with some culture where the right of the wife is not respected when the husband is no more.
There is always a need to protect the future when you are married to someone.
3. Flexibility and adaptability
Couples expect to be flexible and adaptable, adjusting to changing circumstances and priorities.
COMMUNICATION EXPECTATIONS AND ROLES
1. Open communication
Couples should communicate openly and honestly about their expectations and roles.
If you don’t want a third party in your relationship, state it. Whatever you want or don’t want state it openly before you jump into a relationship with someone.
2. Active listening
Partners should listen actively to each other’s needs, desires, and concerns.
3. Negotiation and compromise
Couples should be willing to negotiate and compromise on expectations and roles.
EVOLVING EXPECTATIONS AND ROLES
1. Changing circumstances
Expectations and roles may evolve as circumstances change, such as having children or ageing parents.
2. Personal growth
Individuals may grow and change, leading to shifts in expectations and roles.
3. Cultural and societal influences
Cultural and societal norms may influence expectations and roles, requiring couples to adapt and navigate these changes.
By understanding and communicating expectations and roles, couples can build a stronger, more fulfilling marriage that honours their individual needs, desires, and values.
📌 The Importance of Emotional Connection
As a couple, there is a need to build a strong emotional connection.
Couples should learn to prioritize quality time together and engage in activities that strengthen their bond.
Emotional connection is the glue that holds a marriage together, providing a sense of safety, security, and intimacy.
Some people treat their partners like dogs that twist their tails whenever the dog owner shows up even though the dog has been abandoned all day.
You don’t expect excitement from a partner you abandoned all day and even when you are together in the house, you are either on the phone with someone talking or chatting or playing with the children.
Doing so is disconnecting yourself emotionally from your partner and once your partner is disconnected you might not get him or her connected ever again.
Here are some reasons why emotional connection is essential in a marriage:
BENEFITS OF EMOTIONAL CONNECTION
1. Deepens intimacy
Emotional connection fosters a deeper sense of intimacy, allowing couples to feel seen, heard, and understood.
2. Builds trust
Emotional connection helps build trust, as couples feel secure in sharing their thoughts, feelings, and desires.
3. Encourages vulnerability
Emotional connection creates a safe space for vulnerability, allowing couples to be their authentic selves.
4. Fosters empathy and understanding
Emotional connection helps couples develop empathy and understanding, leading to a more harmonious and supportive relationship.
5. Supports conflict resolution
Emotional connection provides a foundation for resolving conflicts healthily and constructively.
SIGNS OF A STRONG EMOTIONAL CONNECTION
1. Active listening
Couples actively listen to each other, focusing on the emotional content of the conversation.
2. Empathy and validation
Partners show empathy and validation, acknowledging each other’s feelings and perspectives.
3. Open communication
Couples communicate openly and honestly, sharing their thoughts, feelings, and desires.
4. Emotional intimacy
Partners feel comfortable sharing their emotional selves, creating a sense of closeness and connection.
5. Non-verbal connection
Couples maintain a strong non-verbal connection, using body language, touch, and eye contact to convey affection and intimacy.
BUILDING AND MAINTAINING EMOTIONAL CONNECTION
1. Schedule quality time
Regularly schedule quality time together, engaging in activities that promote an emotional connection.
2. Practice active listening
Make an effort to actively listen to each other, focusing on the emotional content of the conversation.
3. Show appreciation and gratitude
Regularly express appreciation and gratitude for each other, fostering a positive and supportive environment.
4. Embrace vulnerability
Create a safe space for vulnerability, allowing each other to share fears, desires, and dreams.
5. Seek counselling or therapy
If needed, seek the help of a couples therapist or counsellor to work through challenges and strengthen the emotional connection.
By prioritizing emotional connection, couples can build a strong, resilient, and fulfilling marriage that honours their emotional needs and fosters a deep sense of intimacy and connection.
📌. Commitment to Growth
Marriage is a journey of growth and couples should be committed to growing together and supporting each other’s personal development, recognizing that both partners will evolve.
Commitment to growth is a vital aspect of building a strong and lasting marriage.
Commitment to growth in a marriage involves a willingness to learn, adapt, and evolve together.
Taking offence must be avoided totally because some truths might hurt you even when the person doesn’t mean to hurt you.
I once heard a story of a couple whose wives don’t wear underwear. It doesn’t matter what she is wearing she doesn’t wear panties.
One day, they both went out for a church meeting and the heat coming from the wife’s private part was smelling badly to the point that the person sitter next to her and right behind her had to vacate their seats.
In order not to embrace her, the husband kept quiet. Besides, the man was tired of complaining over the idea of her not wearing panties.
On their way home, she said to the husband that something was smelling like a gutter in the Car and the husband said, she was the one smelling and it was the heat coming from her private part that was smelling.
Rather than accepting the truth and working towards what their husband said, she was offended and stopped talking with the husband for days.
If you are a person who cannot learn, adapt, and evolve together with your partner, then forget about marriage.
Here are some key aspects of commitment to growth in a marriage:
BENEFITS OF COMMITMENT TO GROWTH
1. Deeper understanding
Growing together fosters a deeper understanding of each other’s needs, desires, and aspirations.
2. Increased intimacy
Commitment to growth promotes emotional intimacy, helping couples feel more connected and secure.
3. Improved communication
Growing together encourages open and honest communication, reducing conflicts and strengthening the bond.
4. Resilience and adaptability
Commitment to growth helps couples develop resilience and adaptability, enabling them to navigate life’s challenges together.
5. Personal growth
Individual growth and development are essential in a marriage, allowing partners to become better versions of themselves.
KEY AREAS FOR GROWTH
1. Emotional intelligence
Developing emotional intelligence helps couples understand and manage their emotions, leading to better conflict resolution and deeper emotional connection.
2. Communication skills
Improving communication skills enables couples to express themselves effectively, avoiding misunderstandings and strengthening their bond.
3. Conflict resolution
Learning effective conflict resolution strategies helps couples navigate disagreements healthily and constructively.
4. Intimacy and connection
Prioritizing intimacy and connection fosters a deeper sense of closeness and togetherness.
5. Personal development
Encouraging individual growth and development helps partners become more fulfilled, leading to a more satisfying and supportive marriage.
STRATEGIES FOR COMMITMENT TO GROWTH
1. Regular date nights
Schedule regular date nights to focus on each other and nurture emotional connection.
2. Couples therapy
Consider couples therapy to work through challenges and develop healthier communication and conflict resolution strategies.
3. Personal development activities
Engage in personal development activities, such as workshops, seminars, or online courses, to foster individual growth.
4. Open and honest communication
Prioritize open and honest communication, actively listening to each other’s needs, desires, and concerns.
5. Embracing challenges
View challenges as opportunities for growth, working together to overcome obstacles and strengthen your bond.
By embracing a commitment to growth, couples can build a strong, resilient, and fulfilling marriage that honours their individual and shared aspirations.
These are the valuable insights every couple looking to build a strong, healthy, and lasting marriage must have before thinking of marriage.
- Pastor Adeoye lives in Lagos.
