LIES AND RELATIONSHIP 

To cope with a liar in a relationship, we must first understand why people lie to their partners. 

Lying is wrong no matter how good one’s reasons for lying are; most especially to your partner. 

The funniest thing is, when one partner is honest and the other is a liar, it’s a question of time before the universe exposes the person. 

I love listening to liars standing before me and lying to my face. 

I will listen to them with rapid attention and then wait patiently to see God and the universe exposing them. 

You can fool everyone, but not me. 

Lying can feel like a betrayal of trust. But experts say it doesn’t necessarily have to mean the end of a relationship. 

On average, humans lie one to two times a day. 

These lies are most commonly known as white lies made to preserve relationships. 

Research has proven Fifty Nine per cent of adults lie at least once, and up to five times, a day; and in most instances, Men are more prone to lying than Women. 

Of course, some lies are bigger than others. Skirting the truth about a bad haircut is different than hiding an affair.

It can be difficult to stay even-keeled when you suspect your partner is hiding the truth from you, regardless of the scale of the lie. 

WHY PEOPLE LIE

Lying is a complex social behaviour with a bevvy of possible motivations. 

It occurs on a spectrum, from innocuous to destructive. 

Although intent does not trump impact, it’s worth considering the intention of the lie, as well as the context you have about the person.

Lying can be classified into two main categories: 

a. lying to protect a relationship, or 

b. lying to protect yourself. 

…these are known to be ProSocial Lying versus AntiSocial Lying.

It could also be called Other-Oriented Lying versus Self-Oriented Lying.

The concept behind both of these naming schemes is similar: Not all lies are the same. Some might help relationships, while others hurt the relationship.

ProSocial lies, like telling a friend you love their gift, are common in relationships. It’s meant to protect someone’s feelings or benefit them in some way. The intention behind this type of lie is often well-meaning. 

These are the ones that commonly get referred to as white lies.

Anti-social lies are an attempt to manipulate a situation in your favour. This could be making up a cover story to conceal wrongdoing. The intention behind this type of lie is much less altruistic. 

Even when they go undetected, these types of lies can lead to reduced social connection, in part because those who lie tend to assume that others are also lying. 

There’s also compulsive or pathological lying, which is telling five or more lies a day. It’s often a symptom of a personality disorder, like narcissistic personality disorder or antisocial personality disorder, but it can also be a distinct condition. It’s found in 8 to 13 per cent of the general population.

COPING WITH LIARS

When you believe someone has lied to you, it’s natural to feel hurt or betrayed. But before you accuse someone of lying or confront them with your proof, here are a few steps to take first. 

1. Consider the Source

When we hear facts that don’t add up, our first instinct may be to assume someone is lying to hurt us. We may then approach them with that energy. 

Before you react, ask yourself who this person is to you. Anchor your response to the type of person they are. A close friend who is typically supportive of you merits a different kind of response than a colleague who is constantly putting you down. 

2. Look Inward

As hard as it can be, it’s worth asking yourself how you would have reacted to the truth up front, whether it was a simple lie about liking your haircut or something more serious, like a friend going along with your idea for a bold career move, even if they thought it was a bad idea.

If every time a friend tells you something you don’t want to hear you get angry, you should expect people to start omitting details or even lying to you. 

It’s important to be honest with yourself about the standard you’re holding them to.

3. Document the Evidence

If someone is gaslighting you and making you feel crazy for questioning things, it can help to journal about your perspective and document the evidence. 

Some people who lie are skilled in dismantling your sense of reality, so documentation is an excellent tool to stay grounded in your perspective.

4. Think Before You Confront Someone

Before confronting someone, identify the main points you’d like to get across. 

Next, practice saying them out loud. 

When emotions are heightened, it’s easy to lose focus and get sidetracked. Rehearsing beforehand helps you stay anchored. 

5. Practice Compassion

This could all just be a misunderstanding. If you decide to confront someone about a lie, lead with goodwill and give the other person a chance to explain. 

Share how you found out about the lie and ask for their take on it. Accusing someone of something big requires big evidence.

6. Stay Levelheaded

Even if you’re faced with a significant lie, try to remain calm. You don’t want to walk away from a conversation about someone lying to you feeling like you became a version of yourself that you don’t respect. 

Your emotions are valid and you deserve an outlet for them, but if you’re breaking down and behaving in a way you will regret, it doesn’t help.

7. Discuss Your Boundaries With the Person Who Lied

Setting boundaries is important in any relationship, but especially one that’s been fractured by lying. 

Boundaries aren’t about you telling someone else what to do, we can’t change another person’s behaviour. 

It’s about you setting clear expectations about what will happen if someone doesn’t respect your boundaries.

8. Carve Out Time for Recovery

From white lies to big omissions, lying covers a broad swath of mistruths — and the reactions to those lies can be just as varied. 

You may feel annoyed or hurt or downright shaken. Take a second to process your feelings, so they don’t come out sideways later on. 

You could journal it out or share what happened with a trusted confidant.

For a big lie, like an affair, you’re likely going to need to take some time to collect your thoughts. 

When it feels like your reality has been shaken, doing things that you enjoy is a great way to stay connected to yourself. 

Try grounding exercises like deep breathing to soothe your nervous system.

9. Talk With a Therapist

A therapist can be a great short-term tool or an ongoing resource. You don’t have to wait until things feel unmanageable or view therapy as a last resort. Therapy can be situation-specific and cease when the issue feels resolved. 

If lying has caused a wedge between you and your partner, a neutral third party can help you process difficult emotions. 

They may be able to help you explore where you want the relationship to go from here. 

I recommend couples therapy to examine each person’s feelings, underlying needs, and expectations of one another with someone who can help mediate communication and help guide you toward potential reconciliation.

10. Give the Other Person an Opportunity to Rebuild Trust

Being lied to can initiate a grief process, which isn’t something that can be unravelled quickly. 

But if the other person demonstrates accountability and understands how the lie hurt you, that’s a good sign. 

If not, it may be difficult to move forward in the relationship. Sometimes the most helpful solution is to distance yourself. 

Either way, take your time with it.

11. Set Realistic Expectations

The reality is that some people may continue to lie to you. Being realistic about what you can count on them for — and what you can’t — will save you future heartache. 

You can keep the person in your life in a role that doesn’t require that you rely on them to tell the truth. 

The Takeaway 
If you catch someone lying, it’s completely natural to feel upset and betrayed. Before reacting, try to understand the person’s intention — and consider practising compassion when dealing with the situation. 

Setting boundaries and having open conversations can help rebuild trust and heal the relationship if this is someone you want to keep in your life.

Now, you need to ask yourself how dangerous is your lying spouse in the relationship you both shared.

A spouse who lies frequently in a relationship can pose significant emotional, psychological, and potentially physical dangers. 

Here are some risks to consider:

EMOTIONAL AND PSYCHOLOGICAL DANGERS

• Erosion of trust: 
  Repeated lying can destroy trust, leading to feelings of insecurity, anxiety, and uncertainty.
• Emotional distress: 
  Discovering lies can cause emotional turmoil, including shock, anger, sadness, and depression.
• Gaslighting: 
  Manipulative lying can make the victim question their own sanity, memory, or perception.
• Low self-esteem: 
  Constant deception can lead to feelings of worthlessness and self-doubt.
• Strained communication: 
  Lying can create a toxic communication environment, making it challenging to resolve conflicts.

PHYSICAL DANGERS 

• Infidelity: 
  Lying about relationships or affairs can increase the risk of sexually transmitted infections (STIs) or unwanted pregnancies.
• Financial Exploitation: 
  Deception about finances can lead to financial instability, debt, or even financial abuse.
• Physical Harm: 
  In severe cases, lying can be a precursor to physical violence or abuse.
• Health Risks: 
  Concealing health issues or addictions can lead to untreated conditions and worsening health outcomes.

RELATIONSHIP CONSEQUENCES 

• Relationship instability: 
  Frequent lying can create an unstable and unpredictable environment.
• Distance and isolation: 
  Lying can drive partners apart, leading to emotional disconnection.
• Breakdown of intimacy: 
  Deception can erode emotional and physical intimacy.
• Increased conflict: 
  Lying can escalate conflicts and make resolution more challenging.

RED FLAGS

• Frequent dishonesty about small things
• Defensiveness or aggression when confronted
• Inconsistencies in stories or alibis
• Secretive behaviour or evasiveness
• Disregard for boundaries or consequences

WHAT TO DO

• Communicate openly and honestly about concerns
• Set clear boundaries and expectations
• Seek counselling or therapy (individual or couples)
• Document incidents and evidence
• Consider a temporary separation or evaluation period

WHEN TO SEEK HELP

• If you feel threatened or unsafe
• If lying persists despite confrontation and counselling
• If you’re experiencing emotional distress or trauma
• If financial or physical well-being is at risk
• If you’re unsure about the relationship’s future

Remember, everyone deserves a healthy and truthful relationship. Prioritize your well-being and seek support if you’re struggling with a spouse who lies frequently.

CAN A LYING SPOUSE CHANGE

Change is possible, but it depends on various factors. Here’s a nuanced look:

CAN A LIAR CHANGE?

• Motivation
  The liar must acknowledge the harm caused and genuinely want to change.
• Self-awareness
  Understanding why they lie (insecurity, fear, habit) is crucial.
• Accountability
  Taking responsibility for actions and facing consequences.
• Therapy
  Professional guidance can help address underlying issues.
• Support system
  Surrounding themselves with truthful, supportive people.

CHALLENGES

Habitual Behaviour
Lying can become an ingrained habit.

Personality Disorders
Pathological lying can be a symptom.

Lack of Empathy
Difficulty understanding others’ feelings.

Fear of Vulnerability
Struggling to open up and be honest.

SIGNS OF CHANGE 

Consistent Honesty
Demonstrating truthfulness over time.

Open Communication
Willingness to discuss difficult topics.

Accountability
Taking responsibility for past lies.

Self-reflection
Recognizing and acknowledging flaws.

Effort to rebuild trust
Active attempts to restore the relationship.

REBUILDING TRUST 

Transparency
Sharing thoughts, feelings, and actions.

Follow-through
Keeping promises and commitments.

Apologies
Sincere regret for past harm.

Consistency
Demonstrating honesty over time.

Patience
Understanding rebuilding trust takes time.

WHEN CHANGE IS UNLIKELY

Severe personality disorders: Narcissistic, antisocial, or borderline.

Lack of motivation: No desire to change.

Chronic dishonesty: Decades of deceit.

No accountability: Refusing responsibility.

Continued harm: Ongoing emotional or physical harm.

Ultimately, change requires effort, commitment, and support. Be cautious and prioritize self-care when dealing with a liar.

Being in a relationship with a dishonest person can be emotionally exhausting and damaging. It’s important to consider whether the dishonesty is a pattern or a one-time occurrence, and if the person is willing to change and work on rebuilding trust. 

Every situation is unique, but it’s generally advisable to prioritize honesty and trust in a healthy relationship. 

Open communication and seeking the advice of a trusted friend or professional may help you make the best decision for your well-being.

Please, note that building a lasting and healthy relationship with someone who consistently lies can be very challenging. 

Trust is a fundamental component of a strong and enduring relationship. 

Chronic dishonesty erodes trust, causing significant strain on the relationship. 

While some relationships can overcome issues of dishonesty through open communication, effort, and counselling, it ultimately depends on the willingness of both partners to address the underlying reasons for the dishonesty and work towards rebuilding trust. 

It’s important to consider the context of the dishonesty and whether the lying is a pattern or an isolated incident.

In the Bible, numerous passages emphasize the importance of truthfulness and condemn dishonesty. 

“The Lord detests lying lips, but he delights in people who are trustworthy.” Proverbs 12:22 NIV

“Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices.” Colossians 3:9 NIV

These passages illustrate the significance of honesty and integrity in the teachings of the Bible. 

The Bible emphasizes the value of truth and integrity in our relationships and interactions with others.

Likewise in the Quran, some verses emphasize the importance of honesty and integrity while condemning deceit and falsehood. 

“The believers must (eventually) win through, those who humble themselves in their prayers, and who avoid vain talk, and who are payers of the poor due.” Surah Al-Muminun 23:1-3

“O you who have believed, be persistently standing firm in justice, witnesses for Allah, even if it be against yourselves or parents and relatives. Whether one is rich or poor, Allah is more worthy of both. So follow not [personal] inclination, lest you not be just. And if you distort [your testimony] or refuse [to give it], then indeed Allah is ever, with what you do, Acquainted.” Surah An-Nisa 4:135 

These verses highlight the importance of truthfulness, justice, and integrity in the teachings of the Quran. They emphasize the moral imperative to avoid falsehood and dishonesty in one’s actions and communications.

If you want your relationship to work; stop lying to your spouse.

Sam Adeoye