By Samuel Omolola Edema
Adewale and Funke had been married for five years and had two beautiful children together. They were a happy couple, but Adewale had started to notice some selfish tendencies in his wife. Funke was more interested in spending time with her friends than with their family, and she would often prioritize her own desires over the needs of the household.
Adewale had tried talking to her about it, but she would always brush him off and say he was being too sensitive. He didn’t want to start an argument, so he kept quiet and hoped things would change.
One day, Funke went out with her friends for a night of partying. Adewale had to work late that evening, so he couldn’t watch the kids. He begged Funke to come back early so he could get some sleep before his shift started the next day, but she refused.
As the night wore on, Adewale grew increasingly worried. He tried calling Funke several times, but she didn’t answer. By the time she finally came home at 3am, Adewale was furious. He felt like she didn’t care about him or their family at all.
They got into a huge argument that night, with Adewale accusing Funke of being selfish and putting her own desires above their family’s needs. Funke was defensive …
Of course, we know in most Nigerian homes, it’s the man that likes to party all night… but we are privileged to have seen some women do this as well!
Let’s take you through what we shared with Adewale and his wife.
Selfishness is a behavior that is detrimental to any relationship or marriage. It can cause great harm and ultimately lead to the end of a relationship. David Young is a well-known author who once wrote, “If selfishness does not end your marriage, your marriage will end selfishness.” This statement has been proven to be true time and time again. The more selfish you are in your marriage or relationship, the unhappier you will be, and the more likely it is that your marriage will end.
Selfishness is defined as being excessively concerned with oneself and one’s own advantage, pleasure, or welfare, regardless of others. It is the opposite of altruism or selflessness. Today, people are encouraged to love themselves first, and while it is important to love oneself, this should not be at the expense of one’s marriage or relationship.
In many marriages, there are instances where one spouse puts their own interests ahead of their family’s needs. For example, a husband may choose to spend money on drinks with his friends instead of using the money to provide basic needs for his family. Similarly, a wife may choose to buy expensive aso ebi for a party while her children are hungry or her husband cannot pay the bills. Such behavior is not only selfish, but it is also destructive to the marriage.
Selfishness can manifest in different ways in a relationship or marriage. Some people prioritize their religion, pastor, business, work, or even extended family above their marriage. Some display this behavior arrogantly, while others do so in a subtle way.
Simple acts like spending time with your family, having a family meeting to discuss issues concerning the home, and staying at home to bond and understand each other can go a long way in saving a marriage. This is because when spouses are selfless and put their family’s needs ahead of their own, they create a strong bond that helps them navigate challenges together.
It takes courage to admit to being selfish in a marriage. However, it is essential for one to acknowledge their selfish behavior and take steps towards changing it. A lot of selfishness in marriages is rooted in immaturity, and when couples get married young, they grow up together within their marriage relationship. Some selfish behavior is subtle, while others are overt. Both types of behavior can hurt a marriage.
It is not uncommon for spouses to accuse their partner of doing the exact thing they are doing. Selfishness can play out in some very strange ways. To overcome this behavior, one must acknowledge their selfishness and work towards being selfless.
Putting God first can help one overcome selfishness. When we prioritize God in our lives, we are more likely to put others’ needs before our own. When we do this, our lives become better, our marriage improves, and our relationship with God becomes amazing.
To overcome selfishness in a marriage or relationship, one must answer some critical questions:
When do you find yourself out of balance with God?
Think about the times you can be selfish in your marriage. How would those times look different if you were “into your marriage” instead of “into yourself”?
What is one way you can begin to fight together as a couple instead of fighting with each other?
What steps can you take to prevent selfishness from taking hold in your marriage or relationship?
Start today by creating a specific roadmap to improve your relationship or marriage with realistic plans with your partner.
It is essential to note that overcoming selfishness is not a one-time thing. We all have moments of weakness, and we may slip back into selfish behavior. However, if we remain committed to being selfless and prioritize our family’s needs above our own, we can build strong relationships that last a lifetime.
In conclusion, selfishness can end a good relationship or marriage. It is essential to recognize and address selfish tendencies in oneself and prioritize one’s marriage over individual needs. Non-selfish attitudes such as spending quality time with one’s family, bonding, and understanding each other can safeguard a marriage. It is also crucial to put God first in one’s life and create a specific roadmap to avoid selfishness in a marriage or relationship.
As early mentioned, Funke was defensive at first, but then she started to see things from Adewale’s perspective. She realised that she had been neglecting her family and that her selfishness was causing real harm.
Funke apologized to Adewale and promised to do better. She started spending more time at home with the family, and she made a conscious effort to put their needs first. It wasn’t always easy, but she knew that she had to change if she wanted her marriage to survive.
Over time, Adewale noticed a real improvement in their relationship. He felt like Funke was more attentive and caring, and he appreciated her efforts to put their family first. They still had disagreements from time to time, but they were able to work through them together.
Adewale realized that it was easy to get caught up in your own desires and forget about the needs of your family. He was glad that Funke had recognized her selfishness and was taking steps to change. Together, they were building a stronger, happier marriage that was based on mutual love, respect, and consideration for each other’s needs.
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Samuel Omolola Edema is a certified relationship educator with over 10 years experience in counseling, and also the founder of ADAM & EVE community on Facebook. Adam and Eve, where we live, love, learn and share our opinions, knowledge and experience on Dating, Relationship and Marriage. Join us with this link. https://www.facebook.com/groups/2726216117694836/?ref=share16117694836/?ref=share